I write this from my death bed. I have a severe cold and sore throat which is probably terminal. However I felt I had to write about the most ridiculously exciting events from today.
Bank Balance: £1.88 (V. Bad)
Gas Meter: £0.00 and no emergency credit (V. Bad)
WW propoints: 13 (out of possible 29 VVVV good)
Number of employed adults in the household: 2!!!!!
Oh yes people, two whole employed adults in our little impoverished household. This has not been the case since August 2004. But today, I passed my final assessment and am now officially a Weight Watchers leader. It sounds a bit lame to the uninitiated but to me it is the end of a very long process and therefore is hugely important. I did obviously manage to stuff it up as I only I can. It is hard to explain to anyone not involved with wibblies but basically I spent a long time talking about something I had fundamentally wrong which is a very basic fact most new members would know and I, being the supposed expert, should have known. It was a shame the Area Manager (from now on known as 'my boss') was the one who had to tell me afterwards. It made me look particularly stupid. Still, she passed me anyway and now I am part of a company, with a boss and a salary (soon-ish) and a discount at Fitness First (useless to me). However that is not the most exciting part of my day. Hold your breath.......
I lost another 2.5 pounds this week and.............................................................. I am NO LONGER OBESE! According to the NHS website calculator my BMI now begins with a 2 and ends in a 9 so for all future medical purposes I am simply overweight. I have dreamt of this moment for many years. I don't know how much I weighed at my wedding but I'm pretty sure I wasn't technically obese then, but I have most definitely been ever since the honeymoon outbound in flight meals, the McDonalds I had at the stopover in Dubai and then all the thousands of calories I ingested whilst we sat on our arses for two weeks in the Maldives. (K did not gain weight annoyingly - as we couldn't both afford to eat lunch he very gallantly said that I could and he also didn't seem to understand 'stocking' up on the 'free' buffet breakfast included in the deal or indeed the beauty of sampling all six desserts on offer at the beach BBQ to achieve maximum value for money - FOOL). So, it has been over eight years since I can boast of being merely overweight. The NHS website didn't quite share my enthusiasm though, through my tears of excitement I read 'You are overweight which increases the risk of becoming ill with problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease and cancer'. Way to piss on my parade.
Is there any serious illness they won't attribute to being overweight/obese? Why can't they just say - bum, you are overweight/obese and therefore people assume you are lazy and greedy and it's hard to buy nice clothes/look good in a bikini? But no, they have to spend millions of pounds on research to find out that you're going to get cancer, you're going to have a heart attack/stroke, dementia, diabetes, dvt, depression, in fact anything you can bloody think of, they have attributed to weight. I say enough. I say spend your money researching more interesting and useful things like curing a cold and a very sore throat. No one aspires to be overweight so it's unlikely all their dire warnings are going to make people think 'perhaps this year I won't put on three stone'. Idiots. I should run this country. I would be amazingly good at it and let's face it, people would be happier.
I shall go, I am a very importantly employed and non-obese person so I have many important and merely overweight things to do. I also have a duty to spend the rest of my life in very good health so the ridiculous anti-fat Nazis can't attribute any of my serious illnesses to my overweight status and bolster their fanciful research. I will have to increase my ketchup intake.
Untilus weus meetus againus. (Latin - if you need a translation let me know)