Forgive me readers it has been over a week since my last confession. I have had time off for good behaviour and half term. Also there has been very little to report. We are at mum's for the holidays and our days consist of playing in the garden, getting children in and out of clothes and swimming costumes and managing Ted. I have spent the last week over eating magnificently to celebrate being the lowest weight I've been in a decade and officially qualifying as a WW leader. There are times I worry that I have become totally obsessed with what I eat and losing weight and there is always a slight concern in the back of my mind that I will verge on the anorexic and never be able to enjoy gluttonous episodes ever again; then I arrive in Suffolk and within twenty four hours (less sometimes) all my fears are allayed. (I managed half a family sized Pavlova. PHEW)
On to the week where nothing happened. There was a small excitement with the arrival of the village newsletter (my absolute favourite publication ever). It opened with the Editor talking about the excitement of the royal wedding being over and his need for a good plumber and window cleaner. Then came the monthly report from the WI. This part is actually my favourite. I am paraphrasing now as mother recycled it before I could whisk it away to copy verbatim - but it went something like this - 'The meeting then took a very interesting turn when Jane Smith (not actual name obviously) showed us an ingenious way to fold plastic bags so that they fit neatly into your handbag - very useful! Then Mary Windsor (same) showed us the beautiful Fascinators she had created after last month's talk on Fascinators.' (I am totally convinced that I would love these WI meetings. I am going to try and get invited to one.) There was more about walking groups and the featured decade 'The 1970s' but I can't remember it. Then came news from the local pub who now offer a takeaway service including tea's and coffee's. There is nothing I like more than an unnecessary apostrophe or two. Then onwards with a few paragraphs from a local policeman warning residents of a recent spate of garden thefts - notably bird tables and ornaments (watch out Alan Titchmarsh is clearly on the rampage) and then the Editor reprised with an indepth article on a local plumber who he was, confusingly, heartily recommending. I am planning on emailing him and pointing out that it wasn't a convincing endorsement that he wouldn't use the said plumber himself. (I appreciate that my need to feel superior by deriding this man's effort to keep up community spirit and keep people informed is ugly, but I don't care. It makes me laugh until I cry so in one way the editor is a comic genius and I am in awe of him.)
Other than that I have been laying pretty low. It appears that I am annoying. I know this because the youngest betrothed sister has kindly given me the heads up on this one. It was quite a harsh reality check as the news came in amidst a story of someone she found terribly annoying and has had an ongoing problem with for quite a few months, with the harsh punchline - 'no offence, but she reminds me of you'. Ouch. I love the caveat 'no offence'. It gives you the freedom to say anything to anyone as long as you begin the offensive statement with 'no offence'. No offence, but you are ridiculously fat. No offence, but you are incredibly bossy and self centred. No offence, but you are incredibly rude. You get the idea. I'm sure something similar has happened to you in the past. No offence.
To qualify her offensive statement she explained that I have extreme mood swings and when I am moody I 'go very quiet'. I am now on the look out for a group of people who remain chirpy when 'in a mood' so that I might learn from them. I do my best to maintain a positive outlook most days but what with one thing and another (mainly K and the kids) I do occasionaly find myself slightly annoyed and less than jolly so I keep a low profile until my normal frame of mind returns. So, perhaps you could read this in your head so as not to annoy anyone who might be nearby. Also, according to the elder sister my constant scrabble playing (on iphone - totally addicted I admit) is also very irritating. So to summarise, I am definitely annoying. Mercifully the remaining UK based sister finds me less irritating and I am sitting with her now whilst she delicately ices 1000 cupcakes in preparation for a fair tomorrow. (Just in case you fancy some for yourself it's http://www.queenofcupcakes.co.uk/ I have been eating them on your behalf and the ten I've tried are immensely tasty.) Oooh I also saw the lesser spotted US based sister this week who, having not seen me for six years, was very pleased to spend time with me and it was totally lovely to see her too. I shall console myself with this knowledge. Two out of four ain't bad.
Actually, no offence, but you aren't important enough for me to keep writing so I am going to leave and eat some more cake. I shall return to London tomorrow and commence annoying K. He has had a week off so might have temporarily forgotten how annoying I am and therefore be momentarily pleased to see me. That should give me something interesting to talk about until the next West Suffolk WI meeting. Until then my long suffering friends.