So hello and bienvenue to Mother's Day 2011. I have had all the usual treats - lie in, breakfast in bed, home made cards etc and now I am totally alone in a very quiet house with only the delectable and uplifting sounds of Glee to keep me company. My present is a whole afternoon to myself - best gift ever. The last time I had an afternoon to myself I spent five hours filing all the paperwork from the last 10 years. It was exhausting.
When describing a particularly fabulous time she was having, the great Marge Simpson once said 'it was like the first five minutes of mother's day'. Essentially that is the the best bit - the cards in bed, the children being over excited, food and a small gift if you're lucky. K always has high hopes for the children's involvement in whatever plan he has but it never works out and he usually gets terribly exasperated and I end up suggesting he spends five minutes outside 'checking on the plants'. (Even the children have worked out that means having a fag but we still persist in the ruse). Today all three stuck a spanner in his works - Bea was too over excited about the cards and was forcefully thrusting them under my nose, George kept dive bombing the bed and Ted wanted to eat my parma ham and pulled the bow of the gift box - it was just all too much for K's need to please. But by the time he left for Essex and his mother, he had rallied sufficiently and they all seemed in good spirits. Although after they left I realised this was the perfect prelude to a Casualty style drama - 'mother waves off three adorable faces all strapped into the back of a people carrier on mother's day whilst harassed and tired father drives off. Mother closes door and smiles at all the cards in front of her when the camera cuts to a car and the screech of breaks and children's screams....' - you can see it too I know you can. I think it must be the guilt of it all - that I asked for time away from my children as a present on mother's day and that I am so deliriously happy as a result. I haven't even made an effort to see my own mother (who always tells us every year that the best gift we could give her is staying away). God damn - I've just realised what I've written - I thought I had more time before I became her. It's just happening too fast now.
In all the over excitement and drama this morning Bea read me the wording inside her card and as I didn't have my lenses in, I didn't query it, but as I was proudly putting them out (for the Casualty scene) I've just opened it and realised she has actually written 'Fack you for loveing me'. I know that she wasn't attempting to write fuck - although she did try it out in a sentence the other day thanks to her father's over use of the word in the morning (she also pointed out you could used it with 'ed' on the end before the word 'off') - but instead must have had a temporary lapse in concentration, but forever more I shall remember the year I got a card from my six year old that said fuck you for loving me. My friend's young son wrote inside her card - To Julie, thank you, from Ben. I think together they could start a whole new revolution in mother's day cards and indeed any card where one is meant to profess sickly sentiments as a matter of course. I would definitely love more cards like this. When trying to get my mum her card I was affronted by all the 'best mum in the world' cards and 'mum, my best friend, my rock' etc etc which I personally find totally horrideous (excellent word which I invented after a particularly ugly and obese bride on Four Weddings US). The fact is no mother is perfect, as I have previously discussed, so I hate all this sycophantic nonsense and would much rather some searingly honest sentiments. Next year I shall be bringing out my range of 'so so' cards. Mother - you can be incredibly difficult to love, but I do anyway. Mother - you are not the best but I am thankful you are not the worst either. Mum - we all have faults so I'll live with yours if you stop pointing out all of mine etc etc. I am on fire with entrepreneurial wizardry these days.
I would also like the 'so, so' range for Valentine's and Anniversary cards. K and I are celebrating eight years of weddedness on Tuesday and although I have managed to create a humorous one on Moonpig, it would be much easier if you could go down to your local shop and get a 'thanks for staying married to me, I know I can be a bitch sometimes' or 'on the whole I love you' card (I did actually make the last one for him once - it didn't go down well though so don't try it at home.) Eight long years. Not 'long' because being married to K is particularly difficult but because eight years is quite a long time and because a 'fack' of a lot has happened in that time. I was a child bride by today's standards - 24 years old. I think a lot of people must have assumed I was some devout born-again Christian which I am obviously not, (we toyed with going to church regularly a few years ago when we needed to be Catholics for school choices but it didn't work out so now we're back to being heathens) it was just that I was quite desperate to get on with having children and looking especially young in my wedding pictures and so I saw little point in waiting. (I am very grateful for that now as I can always take great comfort in the lack of lines on my wedding face especially after I am confronted with them in the mirror every morning) There have been many occasions during the last eight years that I have thought we should have waited a bit longer before tying the knot but mainly I am quite happy with our early nuptials. We have spent our 20s growing up together and although neither of us could be described as grown ups now we are in our 30s, we are definitely a lot further forward and most of it's been quite fun, all things considered. We've certainly experienced a lot - life, death, poverty, wealth, poverty, house moving, house renovation, poverty, a rather full on recession, redundancy and a bit more poverty - we only have to rack up serious illness and I think we have a full house (pneumonia was not life threatening enough to qualify). I also had in mind, and I've told K this too so it won't be a big shock, that if you marry nice and young it means that you can still look good in the pictures for your second wedding. One always has to think of the future.
I seem to make a lot of excuses but just to let you know that I can't take the idea of wasting precious alone time so whilst watching Glee and writing this I am also stopping to hoover during the ad breaks so this post might seem a little rushed and disjointed. I feel the need to make the most of my 'gift' whilst also trying to get enough rest and relaxation to prepare for the week ahead. This week will be especially tiring as I shall now be out of the house for four nights in a row - what with helping out at Wibblies on Monday, my anniversary on Tuesday, a school friends get together on Wednesday and my first wibblies assessment on Thursday it has all got quite out of hand. This is literally the first time it has happened in perhaps a decade. I am scared - particularly as they all require me to leave the safety of SE23. This is totally uncharted territory people. I may not make it to Friday. I shall go now and conserve my energy. I also have at least three more episodes of Glee as well as Brothers and Sisters to cram in and I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on everything at the same time. The pressure of it all.
In the Ukraine they don't have mother's day, they have Women's day which I think is far better. So today I shall leave you with a big 'Fack You' to women everywhere - we are all worth a celebratory day whether we have contributed to the overpopulation of the world or not. Enjoy! xxx