Friday, 15 June 2012

An amuse-bouche on football

Wouldn't it be great if football was treated the same as porn? Think about it. I have. Here is what I have realised. Essentially they are incredibly similar - for a start they were Both created and are ruled by men, for men.

Imagine if football was sent underground. Everyone knew it went on, everyone accepted it happened and turned a blind eye But it was no longer a sociably acceptable excuse for abandoning wives, drinking, going out for hours on end or commandeering the remote control. It's not as if I am some football widow or I suffer excessively due to football, however it is definitely an annoyance I have to deal with. It would be far nicer if he had to hide it from me like porn so that I could know but not know. Mostly up until now, my only suffering was finding my radio had been changed to Absolute or Five Live or having to cope with the green screen and annoying commentary on tv every now and again and K telling me what is going on with Birmingham City as if I might give a shit, but tonight I am totally and utterly alone all night until sometime tomorrow morning when K returns from his drinking, watching and celebrating of flipping football. Now obviously it is not his company I am missing. We are not the type of married couple who cannot bear to spend time apart - I regularly spend whole weeks away from him and live quite happily to tell the tale - but I am heavily pregnant and in charge of three children - anything could happen. If the house burns down I am incredibly non able bodied and am not best placed to round up three children and climb out of the windows safely or if we are all sick (again its never happened before but it could) then I am expected to be sick whilst looking after three sick children single handed and being heavily pregnant. Essentially my Point is that I would like him to suffer as well. Rachel said a similar thing to Ross on Friends - it might sound irrational but if I am suffering I would like K to suffer alongside me. I am sitting here all tired and afflicted with horrific heartburn all the while knowing that if the house burns down I am totally screwed. He, meanwhile, is out drinking, smoking, socialising and staying over so he can actually enjoy the drinking - all in the name of flipping football. So, I think, let's send it underground with porn.

Men would actually love it. They could talk about it in secret, create secret clubs, enjoy the thrill of 'getting away with it' - pubs would have to open secret back rooms like the speakeasy clubs in prohibition America - they would find all the skulduggery thrilling. It doesn't stop there - adolescent boys would gather in locker rooms and whisper about their teams and transfers in huddled groups whilst handing round well thumbed football cards/Four Four Two magazine, people would deem it inappropriate for children to be dressed in those hideous acrylic football shirts, WAGS would be relinquished of all their status and little girls could be justifiably chastised for wanting to marry a footballer when they grew up, JD sports would have to black out their windows and only open for adults, cab drivers would have to get very good at judging which of their fares were 'in to' football before they asked if they caught the game the night before, Pay per view would go through the roof leaving the free channels to screen interesting stuff for people who didn't like football and Every time a politician or celebrity was caught at a game the newspapers could have a field day. It all just totally works.

Obviously, like in actual porn, there will be women who genuinely get a lot of Pleasure out of football, and I don't want to ruin their thing - it just means that women who have had to pretend to like football or have had to 'get in to it' for the sake of their marriage or to 'hook' a man will finally be able to give up the pretence and could instead sit in bed watching crap on tv they actually like whilst painting their toe nails instead of having to drink through the pain of that dullard green background with little insignificant men running around on it. It will be massively liberating.

In fact the only main difference I can find is that in football an all man team is most popular but in porn it is the all female 'teams' that are most popular. I should imagine - I haven't actually looked up the stats but there are more straight men than gay men Proportionately so it would make sense.

So, let's make football seedy and dirty so I don't have to suffer unduly - it all seems Perfectly reasonable. I would love to go in to premature labour this evening just to teach him a lesson. Not that I'm petty or vaguely evil. Or in fact a little bit of a hypocrite. Next weekend I am leaving him totally alone for over 24 hours with the three children. I am of course lugging the large pregnancy bump along with me so it is not quite the same - I won't be able to drink lots and smoke and 'party' - not least because I am going away with my mother. We are travelling down to Bath together for a wedding of a family friend and despite all the negatives the one large positive is that I shall be child free and I am very much looking forward to the time off. Even if the car journey will involve my mother - she shuts up far quicker than the children do when shouted at to do so. She is also paying for the hotel room and petrol so it is a free 24 hours off with good food and champagne. It really puts all of the negatives in to perspective.

The more I think about it the more I could write about football and porn - it would make the perfect subject for a thesis. As it is, I am too tired to write or think anymore so I shall leave you to draw your own conclusions.
Over and out xxxxx

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