Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Wedding Belles and tight squeezes

I do not have Syphilis! Exciting news n'est pas? I am also clear of HIV. I don't know why but syphilis seems like a bit of a joke disease as I tend to associate it with people sporting comical noses from history, not a current worry. I do not wish to offend anyone who might be suffering from syphilis but I have not heard of it for ages so I am surprised I have now been 'cleared' from the disease thanks to my pregnancy blood results. Obviously HIV was the biggest relief. The chances of me having it are slim, admittedly, especially as I haven't had it for the last three pregnancies and nothing much has changed since then, but still, every time I get tested I do have a little fret. My mother was convinced you could pick up STDs (including HIV) from loo seats and hand shakes (she has, to my knowledge, never relieved herself on an aeroplane loo - such is her dislike of public facilities - even on long haul flights, although she's never been to Australia or anywhere that could really test her resolve) and I have never shaken the belief that you might be able to just 'pick it up' along the way. So, just in case you ever wondered, I am mercifully free of any baby affecting STDs. Relief all round.

I've always thought it was a shame they gave such a pretty name to another hideous STD, (which oddly they don't test you for) Chlamydia. If you try and forget the fact that it is an STD it is actually a nice name - no different to Clementine or Chloe. I suppose they had to name it something but why not initials or something that would never be given to a child as a christian name? It is puzzling - if it wasn't given to an STD it would definitely be a front runner for me. Actually there is much name talk in the house already - I have had to put a stop to it now as there are too many months before the birth to have constant name suggestion (plus too much opportunity for things to go wrong). The funniest so far are G's suggestions of 'Dick' and 'Julian' (They have been listening to the Famous Five and Secret Seven at bedtime). For some reason Dick seems so much ruder than willy - our chosen name for it in the house - that I was quite taken aback when G first suggested Dick, loudly, over lunch. Only when followed by Julian did it all make sense. Personally I like the name Persephone but I am struggling to find one person who agrees with me - it seems as popular as my Chlamydia suggestion. Bea contorted in to a gagging reflex when I tried it out on her. I think K will have to choose the name this time. I seem to have lost all perspective on the matter.

So, enough of this nonsense, on to the wedding of the Godmother and the Magician (ooh does that make her Mrs Magician now?). I don't feel I can say too much as it wasn't 'my' day to write about but suffice to say that it was all totally fabulous. I JUST about fitted in to my dress even with a stupidly large stomach (I have put on a STONE already - 15 weeks, 1 stone - it is unbearable). The bride looked gorgeous, the groom looked incredibly happy and the bridesmaids were stunning, naturally. I got totally over excited about it all and as we came out of the ceremony I kept saying how much I had enjoyed my one stint as bridesmaid - Bea rolled her eyes and sighed at me, "Mum, I've done this loads of times before".  (She is prone to over exaggerate - but that was her third time as bridesmaid and there is one more to go in April so she is definitely a 'pro' in comparison to me.)  I loved it all - it was very exciting to be involved in all the official photos and to get to walk down the aisle again - I had forgotten how much I liked it. I think I might start planning a renewal ceremony at some point. I don't care how silly it is, I want to dress up in a big white dress, walk down an aisle, look fabulous and have photos taken one more time - actually I think you should be allowed to do it once every decade (not like the celebrities who do it every year which is totally over the top and doomed to failure - aka Heidi Klum and Seal). The food was also great - three delicious courses - all of which K could eat (he is notoriously fussy about food) and plentiful. I tend to judge weddings on food, fun and effort. This one scored highly on all counts - it was very little effort - it only took 30 minutes to get there and I only had one child with me which was very easy. (Poor G was at home after coming down with a nasty ear infection on Friday so he stayed with Ted and The Replacement, who was babysitting. I am most relieved to hear that G thinks she will make a 'great' mother.)  There was also an awful lot of fun to be had with entertainers aplenty and a great chance to catch up with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. And the food never stopped - after a brief respite from the three courses a great big hog roast appeared complete with accompaniments. Mercifully I managed to resist its charm - not least because I was shattered and half asleep - as was Bea, so we left a bit early and jumped in a cab all the way home. Very civilised and very low effort. It will be hard to beat it as weddings go. Plus the children and I were mentioned in two of the three speeches which made me feel very important and special - always nice. (Although there was no throne or special hat or badge as I had requested, so that people would know how important I was. Still I think the mention in the speeches did the trick.)

Lastly, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL. It is totally and utterly unfathomable how this blatant lie and false claim on any clothing product can be allowed to continue. Trading standards should surely get involved with this and help stamp out such dastardly antics. Until they discover a material with never ending stretch then one size most definitely does not fit all and any claim to the contrary is a total lie. I would like to campaign to get the wording changed to encompass the sizes the item claims to cover. 'One Size Fits a Size 10-14'. That is all it would take to stop it being an out and out lie and I cannot see how that would cost anyone any more money. The problem is, it usually fits 'all' slim people and fat people are far less likely to complain about anything as they feel it just draws attention to their size. Luckily I am not that fussed and am very happy to spear head this campaign. I mention this 'slight' irritant in my life as I sent K to get me some maternity tights for the wedding. He purchased some from a well known mother and baby store and proudly informed me after the purchase was made. I, wondering how he had done it without guidance, asked which size he had bought and he told me that 'one size fits all'. HOW, with the different height, weight and stomach size of pregnant women can one pair of tights fit all ? I am seriously angry about this. It is sizeist and discriminatory. They did fit as it happens, but they weren't comfortable and in the end totally unnecessary as when I arrived at the hotel the bride informed me that all her other 'maids' were wearing flesh coloured tights and she gave me a spare pair which also alleged to fit everyone in the whole, entire, world. Non Maternity. Luckily they did actually fit me and the bump but my point is still valid. They would not have fitted everyone and due to being overstretched they laddered exceedingly easily. If anyone thinks of a way to forge ahead with my campaign do let me know. 

I have to go, Midsomer Murders has finished and I am struggling to stay awake now I know whodunnit. Actually I am wondering at what point this exhaustion will disappear. I cannot continue to be this tired the whole way through - it is overwhelming. I feel as if I have ME. Any small effort results in a wave of tiredness that I am finding quite hard to fight. If it was up to me I would spend my entire pregnancy in bed. Miserably it isn't and I have to spend every day out of bed. Sob sob. I know, your sympathy can be felt from here. Now bog off I am half asleep already.

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